5-31-07

I'm in 2nd period and i feel like shit. i don't know what to do wth the whole commuinty service. I'm so screwd. I'm so sick of being such a fuck up. i wish i could just move on. I don't even know what i need to move on about, What do i do?





please never again/ That hurt so bad. I shouldn't have don't anything. I shouldn't have said anything. He still likes her. I won't ever come to me. He won't want me an i can so understand that. I'm so sorry i fucked that up too. Please forgive me. I never wanted it to be this way. I hate this. i hate pain that caused you and her. I just fuck everything up and i know that so why do i interfer with it? If someone even talks to me its bad, because somehow karma is going to come back to them and screw them over. I ust want people to be happy. Its although that i can't be, i can't be happy without making someone else miserable. I'm so so so sorry to the world.

we just had a "party" in enlish. yea it was about 15 min. But a nice break. I wish i had something to do at luch. Jade isn't at school, and i don't know weather to worrie about that or not. I love jade, shes my rock.

5/30/07

Today is a new day. A new life as i'm starting. I'm quiting drugs and ciggs till at least summer. I just found out that i'm grounded until july 4 with sucks horribily. I have bad spelling by the way. I guess i might as well write to myself since no one will most likey not read this. I'm going to try to pass my classes with what little time i have which i don't think will happen but i guess it won't huet to try. I also found out that i'm going to start therpy or something. I have to find out whats wrong wth me. there has to be something. I hae no modivation for anything anymore. Eveerything seems to have crashed and i can't get out of this feeling. Today just sucked i guess. I started to fall for a boy who was already in loe with another girl. This girl in his eyes is perfect. But my friend told him that i liked him a few days ago, and i conforonted hm on friday that i still wanted to be just friends if nothing could happen. then... well idk. We kissed, , and we held hands and idk. It seemed lieka dream. Might as well have been. He says that he could never be with her cause she has a boyfriend who treats her horribly. Now today we decided to never talk to each other I guess. She saw us yesterday, holding hands and what not, I guess she freaked out on him. I told him i wanted to think about it, weather he liked me or not, not to jsut jump into whatever. (we were pretty high at the time.) He stood there for a moment and said that he did like me. I guess not enough. This is all so complicated and hard. I wish i could just paste my mind on here. Please don't jugde me. I'm not a home wreaker and i'm not a whore. What i really am right now is lonely. I feel like i have no one or nothing to look forward to.

I just had my heart ripped opened from my mothers husband. He can be a fucking jackass, though i do deserve it. I fucked u ptoo many times, way to many times. I don't know why. i want to just make it all stop. Just right now.

I'm one of those girls who you see everyday talk to maybe hang out a few times but don't think twice about.

i'm going to bed.

i can't sstand crying any longer.

sweet dreams