I dare you to read this Joe

Dear Joe,

you really don't have to fake being my friend. I understand if you don't want to talk to me given that I'm your friends ex and that this certain girl is so self centered that she has to isolate you all to herself even though she already has a boyfriend, WHO treats her like shit. I hate to be the person to tell you this but its not going to happen between you too. If it hasn't already.

I told you to think about it before you answered if you liked me or not. To really think about it, and not just go off your stoner little mind. You have no idea how much you hurt me. I know you didn't mean to and its not fair for me to attack you like this but wtf. You kissed me. You held me. You made me feel more complete then i ever felt, and then the next day you said that she was there. that she saw us. If you really cared about me then you wouldn't have cared. Well at least not let it destroy not only what we had for that very short amount of time but our friendship as well.

Joe, i miss you. I miss our conversations. I don't care if all we are is friends. That's better then nothing. Even though it would hurt me every syllable spoken knowing that nothing more could come out of it, it would be so worth it.

You talked to me. Real conversations about anything and everything. Your so smart. In yet you don't see this. Why don't you see this? I can see in your eyes that you put yourself down so much. But why? I will never get this.


Why am i doing this to myself? My did i let myself get attracted to you so damn fast? If you are reading this you proubley think I'm a crazy stalker. I'm sorry.
i should have just never talked to you in the first place. I should have just left you as Andrews friends and let it be. It won't happen again.

I won't fall for another guy again. It hurts me way to much.

Who could like me anyways? I'm a nobody really. Just a another face in the crowd.

5-31-07

I'm in 2nd period and i feel like shit. i don't know what to do wth the whole commuinty service. I'm so screwd. I'm so sick of being such a fuck up. i wish i could just move on. I don't even know what i need to move on about, What do i do?





please never again/ That hurt so bad. I shouldn't have don't anything. I shouldn't have said anything. He still likes her. I won't ever come to me. He won't want me an i can so understand that. I'm so sorry i fucked that up too. Please forgive me. I never wanted it to be this way. I hate this. i hate pain that caused you and her. I just fuck everything up and i know that so why do i interfer with it? If someone even talks to me its bad, because somehow karma is going to come back to them and screw them over. I ust want people to be happy. Its although that i can't be, i can't be happy without making someone else miserable. I'm so so so sorry to the world.

we just had a "party" in enlish. yea it was about 15 min. But a nice break. I wish i had something to do at luch. Jade isn't at school, and i don't know weather to worrie about that or not. I love jade, shes my rock.

5/30/07

Today is a new day. A new life as i'm starting. I'm quiting drugs and ciggs till at least summer. I just found out that i'm grounded until july 4 with sucks horribily. I have bad spelling by the way. I guess i might as well write to myself since no one will most likey not read this. I'm going to try to pass my classes with what little time i have which i don't think will happen but i guess it won't huet to try. I also found out that i'm going to start therpy or something. I have to find out whats wrong wth me. there has to be something. I hae no modivation for anything anymore. Eveerything seems to have crashed and i can't get out of this feeling. Today just sucked i guess. I started to fall for a boy who was already in loe with another girl. This girl in his eyes is perfect. But my friend told him that i liked him a few days ago, and i conforonted hm on friday that i still wanted to be just friends if nothing could happen. then... well idk. We kissed, , and we held hands and idk. It seemed lieka dream. Might as well have been. He says that he could never be with her cause she has a boyfriend who treats her horribly. Now today we decided to never talk to each other I guess. She saw us yesterday, holding hands and what not, I guess she freaked out on him. I told him i wanted to think about it, weather he liked me or not, not to jsut jump into whatever. (we were pretty high at the time.) He stood there for a moment and said that he did like me. I guess not enough. This is all so complicated and hard. I wish i could just paste my mind on here. Please don't jugde me. I'm not a home wreaker and i'm not a whore. What i really am right now is lonely. I feel like i have no one or nothing to look forward to.

I just had my heart ripped opened from my mothers husband. He can be a fucking jackass, though i do deserve it. I fucked u ptoo many times, way to many times. I don't know why. i want to just make it all stop. Just right now.

I'm one of those girls who you see everyday talk to maybe hang out a few times but don't think twice about.

i'm going to bed.

i can't sstand crying any longer.

sweet dreams